Starting the conversation for program 233…
How hard is it to create win-win situations?
What You Will Hear:
Love your children as much as you hate your ex.
How we recognize a sticky/emotional situation and what we can do to navigate it.
Every conversation you have is modeling what you think and how you feel to those around you.
When you tolerate, you condone it.
Stand true to your values and your boundaries.
Negotiation is multi-faceted.
Know what you really can do about it.
Our work is influenced by what’s happening at home.
#VBBRadio: What would be your advice to deal with uncompromising people. Is win-win even possible?
Know what’s non-negotiable and give in every other area you can
#VBBRadio: Is divorce ever not an option? If not, what are typical triggers that indicate divorce is the better option?
The importance of a 3rd party to bring insight and perspective.
We feel the pressure to move forward quickly. How do we slow down to speed up?
Remember the good about the person you are in conflict with.
We aren’t taught how to breakup well (or create new partnership well).
Your process includes people that don’t have a seat at the table. Why that is important.
#VBBRadio: Whether in business, marriage or divorce, Isn’t it just all about good negotiation skills?
It is BOLD take the time to create win-win solutions.
Notable and Quotable:
Dr. Marlene Bizub 8:42
However you’re talking with your child here about the other parent, they are probably talking that way about you in the other parent’s home. So you want to watch how you train your children to talk. Because if you’re negative, and gossipy, and derogatory with you about the other parent, they’re going to be that way there towards you.
Dr. Marlene Bizub 9:03
You can’t control the environment around you in terms of what’s being said in front of your children. They are going to follow our lead. They are going to pick up on what they hear, and what other people say, and their attitudes and beliefs.
Jess Dewell 12:23
When we don’t object to it, even when we don’t control it, we’re scene and perceived to accept it.
Dr. Marlene Bizub 12:36
When you tolerate something, you are, in essence, condoning it.
Dr. Marlene Bizub 13:31
Sometimes what isn’t said is louder than what is said.
Jess Dewell 13:42
When we know our values, and we stand by those values, we’re able to at least show up in a situation. Where if we don’t speak up, it’s obvious we’re not speaking up. But we’re also not condoning something that we don’t like.
Dr. Marlene Bizub 13:54
The kind of initial issues that we have to address with parents who are separating is, you live separate lives. Now you have separate households. Now you are each in control of your own household. And you really don’t get to say a thing about what the other parent does in their household, unless it is a danger to the child in some way. And that’s a danger by the court standard, not by yours or my standard, because the court has a pretty high threshold of what they consider to be endangering to children. Because they really can’t dictate to parents how they raise their children. But then it’s easy to not observe boundaries between you and that other parent in their home and comment to the child, or sometimes to the other parent, but it’s often done to the child, what you think of what the other parent is doing in their household. That’s a firm boundary we have to set.
Jess Dewell 17:21
I don’t necessarily think that a company, small or large, is interested in controlling time or having people clock in or out. I think they’re interested in having clarity of what happens in each situation. And where do you have control? And where do you not have control? What can you influence, and what can you recognize, I can’t influence
Dr. Marlene Bizub 18:24
Convey to your children the beliefs and behaviors and actions and attitudes that you want your children to have, rather than putting down that other parent. Just create the environment and the attitude and structure your household that you want your children to embrace.
Jess Dewell 20:05
It’s interesting to me that people who think that they are just negative about one situation have no concept. They are negative in every situation just a little less so.
Dr. Marlene Bizub 20:28
Often we don’t realize how much our work is influenced by what’s going on in our personal life.
Dr. Marlene Bizub 20:39
So you go into work. You’re emotionally distraught. Who do we usually talk to? Our co workers. We talk to them about whatever’s going on. It affects not only our own productivity, because we often think about the productivity of the person going through that. It affects everyone and everyone’s productivity, not just that person who’s going through it.
Jess Dewell 21:31
You don’t know who you’re talking to. Your friend today could be your boss later. And your friend today could be your subordinate later. Depending on how that friendship is and what types of things have been sharing, there’s now a new dynamic that has to be navigated, very similarly to backtrack, separate, gain independence and awareness, to relate differently to a new situation. This is very similar to what you would face in a family change.
Dr. Marlene Bizub 23:12
You’re not going to get everything your way in any relationship. So you’ve got to pick your battles.
Dr. Marlene Bizub 23:18
If you give when it doesn’t matter, you’ll get when it matters. So if you’ve got that uncompromising person, give as much as you can give, because that makes it harder for them to say “no” when the time comes that you really need something.
Jess Dewell 31:35
Divorce may seem, or the action that we’re thinking about, may seem to be the easiest option. When we actually take a look, we actually sit with what we have to do. Are we really up for what must happen? Are we really ready to handle the consequences, the positive and negative that come from that? Do we really want to know what’s non-negotiable, so that we can give everywhere else? I don’t know the answer, right?
Dr. Marlene Bizub 32:19
Like they say, you want to watch what you wish for because it might happen. And it might not then be what you thought it was going to be.
Dr. Marlene Bizub 36:33
a reason that we have 90 days minimum before divorce can be final. Because there was a lot that went into it, there’s going to be a lot that you have to unpack and sort out. People just don’t realize tha. They have a different perception of, “I’m just going to leave, I’m going to be gone, I’m going to just d o my own thing,” and life doesn’t work that way.
Dr. Marlene Bizub 37:03
There was a lot of things that were intertwined in a partnership, whether it’s marriage, business partnership, whatever it is. There’s a lot that went into it, so a lots got to be unpacked,
Dr. Marlene Bizub 39:53
There’s a certain amount of people that do tend to just write someone off. When I’m done with you, I am done with you. And I remind them, there was something you liked about that person at one time. Let’s think about what you liked about them. Let’s remember the good, let’s think about what brought you together to begin with, because most likely, they’re going to have to continue dealing with one another.
Dr. Marlene Bizub 40:23
And I’ll have people come in with a five year old child. And they’ll say, “Okay, I’ve got 13 more years, I’ve got to deal with this person.” And I say, “No, you have a lifetime. Because even after they graduate from high school and move out of your home, there’s going to be college graduations, marriages, the birth of a grandchild. All kinds of events that are going to bring you back together again, and you better be able to learn how to be civil.”
Jess Dewell 41:24
Whether we’re blending families, or we’re becoming business partners, or we’re accepting a job offer that has very specific requirements, we come with our own non-negotiable,. They come with their own non-negotiable. Our families on each side of those that we’re going to be working with and don’t know yet, come with non-negotiables. And we’re typically not thinking about those things, even at the beginning when we’re setting up, when we’re creating a union in any capacity.
Dr. Marlene Bizub 41:54
People aren’t taught how to have a good breakup of any kind, whether it’s marriage, or whatever it is. We aren’t taught how to break up well. It’s just not something we’re taught because nobody wants to think that any marriage ,relationship, business partnership, any type of partnership, is going to break up, We don’t go into it, thinking it’s going to break up.
Dr. Marlene Bizub 42:43
We’re not taught how to pick a good mate. We’re not taught what all goes into relationship. There are a lot of different little nuances to relationships.
Dr. Marlene Bizub 43:30
Yes, making your list of “these are non-negotiable.” And then make your list of where you’ve got some wiggle room. And then, I even tell people, “make a third list and don’t share it, of things that you don’t care about at all.” But if you share what you don’t care about, you can’t effectively use it to negotiate.
Dr. Marlene Bizub 44:45
It’s not the deal you get. It’s the deal you think you get
Dr. Marlene Bizub 46:09
Children wants to please their parents. And so they tell each parent what they think they want to hear. So parents are shocked to find out that they told the other parent, the same thing, only the opposite. “I want more time with you.’ “Well, I want more time with you.” Well, they really mean that they aren’t conniving little people who are tellin g different things to different people that they don’t really mean. They do want more time with both parents. They don’t understand that what they’re really saying is, “I want my parents to stay together.’ And that’s most likely not going to happen.
Dr. Marlene Bizub 47:30
It’s easy to talk about what I agree with you on. And it’s difficult to challenge or be oppositional, which is really not oppositional. But that’s how we perceive it is. If I don’t agree with you, you’re going to feel I’m opposing you. So I’m not going to talk about those things. And we don’t realize that that’s what people are really doing.
Dr. Marlene Bizub 48:51
I’ve heard judges say, “If both parties walk out feeling like they really lost, then it was probably pretty fair.” But we measure things based on what way we wanted it to go. What we gained or what went our way. We measure things on that, and we don’t realize that the other person had to give. And so you have to give too. It’s not all going to be your way.
equity work, compassion, communication, awareness, negotiation, body language, productivity, emotional intelligence
How hard is it to create win-win situations?
There are times we make decisions that impact those around us. It is important to remember that people not involved in the decision-making process are impacted, too. Win-win situations can be elusive, especially when we don’t include key elements into the way we think. Jess Dewell, mentor to executives and founders, talks with Dr. Marlene Bizub, Certified Divorce Coach and Consultant, to explore why what’s right doesn’t have to be hard.
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