The following is a transcription of Voice of Bold Business Radio Program 12, The Secret to Bounce Back.
Transcript for Program 12: The Secret to Bounce Back
Jessica: This is the Voice of Bold Business Radio and I am your host Jessica Dewell of Red Direction. You are listening to Program 12; The Secret to Bounce Back.
In a world where instant gratification is normal, bouncing back sounds like something fast. It also sounds like something fairly easy. Think back though to a time when you were in a situation, and every single moment of that situation felt like fiiiive minutes long.
Usually, fear took over, or anxiety, or some other emotion that is outside of the regular realm of what we experience. For whatever reason, it happened. And we may or may not have known that it was going to happen. But the result was unexpected. It was painful. It may have even be surprising.
Whether we are able to get over something though, it comes down directly to how we look at the world, our experiences, and our ability to use the lessons of our past experience.
Bouncing back is a set of skills. These skills are:
Planning, Patience, Practice and Productivity
It’s not easy to bounce back. It’s definitely not as easy as it sounds. Although it is a muscle, it is a tenacity builder, that we get through practice. And it takes work, and it takes effort, and it takes support, and support takes a network. It takes learning, and learning is life-long.
This is Program 12, The Secret to Bounce Back
Announcer (amid background music): Welcome to The Voice of Bold Business, the show that provides everything that smart leaders need to evaluate situations, build relationships, and create solutions. Jessica Dewell candidly talks about the skills necessary to build tenacity, and do more with less. And now, here’s Jessica:
Jessica: We live in a world where really, not much is in our control. So, every action that we do take, what we choose to accept, and take responsibility for, and what we do with those things, is how we create impact, or not.
It’s with the skills of planning, patience, practice and productivity that we apply to the things that we commit to, because we know those are the things we are going to follow through on.
So, whether we get big bumps, or small bumps, whenever they come up, we’ll notice them. We’ll notice them quickly. And it’s through the ability to notice that we can evaluate and assess, and we can gather ideas to put around it to see if we can find a solution to remove our obstacle or issue, and get toward our end goal.
Because, in the end, it’s the end that we’re thinking about. Or really, I guess I should say that differently. It’s at the beginning, and in the middle, that we are thinking about the end.
You know, I read this article, and I actually pulled it out of a magazine. This is Mindful Magazine, Page 63 in the April 2016 edition so it’s a little old but it is timeless information.
It says “See it, feel it, be it.” I found this the other day and I was like, ‘Oh, this would be perfect for a show’. So here is our secret to Bounce Back. And it starts with accepting the fact that there’s fear. And we have fear all around us.
And, I thought on this…Fear. I thought – Discover: Stages 1,2 and 3. That has to do with the 12 Stages of Healing, a set of practices, and books and workbook that was written by Donny Epstein, that we practice in our house on a fairly regular basis. Just checking in with our bodies, and allowing the connection with our breath and our body to inform us, and help us see the emotions and notice what’s going on, so that we can be aware, and decide what to do with that information.
‘See the fear’ comes down to a question; “What’s the worst that can happen?” ‘Feeling the fear’ comes down to a couple of questions, and I just picked one for this; ‘Feeling the fear’; “What do you feel in your body at that time?” And then ‘Being the fear’; “What is there to be afraid of?” Who is actually afraid? Is it my current self? Is it my past self? Is it my alternate self? Somebody in between?
And you could put any emotion in here that you wanted. It could be anxiety, it could be distrust, it could be happiness, it could be excitement, it could be passion, it could be whatever you wanted it to be. The range of feelings…confusion, maybe.
But actually seeing the emotion, feeling the emotion, and being the emotion creates a different level of understanding and awareness of what we do and how we show up, and how we react in different situations.
And that matters, because when we’re planning, which is one of the four steps. Remember the four skills to bouncing back: Planning, Patience, Practice and Productivity.
When we’re talking about planning, we have to have an awareness of what is going on.
We don’t have to know everything, which is very different than awareness. We just have to notice. We have to know what we know right now, and maybe we have to challenge what we knew in the past, because it might not be relevant right now. And, what that comes down to, right there, is knowing that change is going to happen. Something happened in the past that we’re going to associate and filter this present through. Yet, can we set that aside a little bit, or include it, and notice what else could happen that is happening right now, that is different than in the past.
Because, we know there’s going to be change, so we can anticipate change. We might not be able to anticipate the exact change, unless you can see in to the future, and then that’s a pretty cool skill. But, I know, speaking from my own personal experience and how I live in this world, I just anticipate that change is coming, and I’m going to be prepared for that change, even though I don’t know what that change is.
Because I have some basic plans, I have some basic structure.
And the thing is, there’s this idea of building connections. We live in a world where we are really connected. We are connected to people on all kinds of platforms, all kinds of electronics. Even in our own workspaces, we have physical connections, through our volunteer, and home life, and church, and other organizations that we might be belonging to. But I want you to stop and think…
Of all those connections that we have, who could you call if you had a flat tire and your AAA had expired. THAT is a connection that goes beyond the regular interaction. For the purpose of this conversation, I’m going to call it ‘the surface’. There are these surface connections that we have, and we have a lot of them. We need to get below the surface and have some relationships locally, that go deep, that we can call on people for.
And this is our ability to be able to ask for help.
What help do we need in different situations? If we have aging parents, and we work 45 minutes away, and they call and they need help, who is between you and your parents that could be on call? That you could pick up the phone and say “My Mom and Dad need some help” or “I’m not going to be able to be on time. Could you go over there and be on time, I’ll be 10 minutes late.”, or whatever the case may be. The same thing is for those of us out there, and this is me included, that have children! Especially, school aged children, or children of any age really, because as soon as they get a little tiny bit of a fever, they can’t go to school, and that can throw off a while day. It’s out of our control. It’s a change we have to encounter, or we know we’re going to encounter, so we can plan for that so, who could we call?
What kind of relationships do we need to be able to make those calls, and have that depth of being able to rely on somebody else, besides ourself?
Because even though we’re so connected today [with technology], we seem to have lost this art, and I’ll tell you what, I struggle with this, I actually struggle very much with this. A woman, her name is Sue Mackey, she is an incredible woman, and she was the one who pointed this out to me. She said, “Jessica, you really need some sort of a network here. You need to be building this for your family. Because, if you need to fall back on something, you want a net, you want a safety net.” And, knowing that, I want to talk about a program that she was involved in brining to the internet.
I have to tell you, this was the coolest thing that I had heard in a long time, and I actually used this, to build this skill of having a personal safety net. So go to the website www.personalsafetynets.com It talks about just recognizing the people that are around us that we can count on, and opening the conversation to let them know that you want to be able to count on them, and maybe find out if they can count on you too, and what they could count on you for.
Building and deepening those relationships, below the surface. We’re going to stop here because we’re talking about planning, and they have 8 pillars of resilience, and part of having a personal safety net is so that there is a plan, there are people that can be relied on. This is like our little community, our little village that it takes to survive in this world and make sure that we can keep our responsibilities, and support everybody, and have this network that actually works. In our personal life, and in our professional life, and in our volunteer life, and in every facet of life that we have.
Pillar 1 Belief System
The first one, and I hope you go to the website and read these yourself. The first one is ‘Belief System’, which is talking and centering around compassion and hope. So, what are our values? Why do they matter? What makes us feel calm? What allows us to get a little more grounded? What, out there in the world, makes us just smile for no reason and get a twinkle in our eye? Because really, there is a reason behind it, but it’s really those little simple things in the world that matter. I know like, for me today, I was getting ready to leave to go to a meeting this morning and I usually take our son to school, and today I didn’t, and he ran right up to me and he said “I know I already gave you a hug Momma, I know I already gave you a hug, but I wanna give you one more”. And that made my heart feel full. It made my heart light shine brighter.
Pillar 2 Career and Retirement
The second pillar is “Career and Retirement”. And this is where, who can be the person who can pick up your child from school if you get delayed on the way there, or have a flat tire, or have a meeting that runs late. If you need something as simple as a cup of sugar, or if you need a ride somewhere, or you want somebody to check your mail. I mean, it could be all kinds of things. And this is something that is really important, because as we are aging, as our families are growing, having connections with our neighbors, and knowing that our neighbors are there to help us, and knowing which of our neighbors will help, and want to help, is really important. Especially, and those of you who are not aging, and are in the middle of your life somewhere, do you have neighbors who are aging, and are they living alone, and do they need help getting some simple things done, like going to the grocery store, or raking the leaves, or cutting the grass once in a while. Who knows? We don’t know until we have that. Now, as soon as we open that door, we have to be prepared to practice it, and produce, which are skills we’re going to talk about in just a little bit.
Pillar 3 Community Resources
The third pillar is “Community Resources”. There are a lot of resources available at our fingertips that even if somebody asks us for help, maybe we don’t have the knowledge for that, but we know where to get the knowledge. We know where to help somebody go to get some services, and some information that they need. So, knowing that, and having that handy. Plus you might ask, and somebody may not be able to help you out themselves, but they can tell you where to get help. That’s pretty important in our personal safety net.
Pillar 4 Family and Friends
“Family and friends”; the people that we want to associate with, the people that can challenge us to be our best selves, the people that we can work with, and maybe our kids play together. Maybe we sit around and have a drink and appetizers once in a while. We just get to know each other, and have a real good connection with each other.
Pillar 5 Finances and Legalities
“Finances and legalities”; We have to have people that understand what’s going on in our life outside of us, for whatever it be for estate, whether it be for resources to ask questions, to deal with situations that come up.
Pillar 7 Health and Wellness
“Health and Wellness”; the same thing.
Pillar 7 Intellect
“Intellect”; are we taking the time to learn? Who do we want to learn from? What are the things that we need?
Pillar 8 Possessions
And our “Possessions”, that’s the eighth one; Usually, stuff requires, care, for lack of a better description. And who can help you take care of that stuff that you have, those possessions.
So, go look at the website www.personalsafetynets.com. Find out what it is, how to make it, and how it can help you as an individual, you as your household, and then you as a person in business, and the businesses that you work for yourself, how that can actually be useful.
And I want to say ‘Thank You Sue’, for putting this website across my radar. I have made use of it myself a lot.
Because, when we challenge assumptions, when we take a look at our personal safety net, we start having conversations with people, we might have made assumptions about somebody, that they could or would or had willingness to help us, when in reality they can’t, won’t or don’t. And that’s ok. But until we go through the process of having some conversations, we don’t know if we have holes in our net or not. And if we fall, will we be caught? So the norm isn’t always right, and we need to challenge our assumptions a little bit. We also need to understand that, with the things that are out of our control, can we influence them? And this is where, I think, some of the things like, the legal piece, and the community resources come in to play because I, you, we, all of us, we have our strengths, but we are not knowledgeable in everything. Nor should we pretend to be if somebody comes to us.
We can be a resource.
We can say “Oh, I don’t know about that, but I have a great referral. I have somebody I know that does that”. Or, “Oh, here’s what you might search for on the internet”, or “Oh, wow! I know somebody who’s been in that situation, maybe I can hook you guys up so they could share some insights if they’re willing”.
Because, when it’s out of our control, we don’t want to try and control it, especially if it’s not our area of strength. And, if we don’t have the knowledge around it, we’re really not influencing in a positive way. We’re actually putting ourselves out there, in a way, when we really don’t know what we’re talking about, we might as well own the fact that we don’t know what we’re talking about.
So, good researchers, you know where you are at. Poor researchers, you can still do your research and have some answer. And it never hurts to say “I don’t know”. It never hurts to say “I don’t have the answer to that”. That can be hard to do sometimes. I know in this world, where we are taught about relationships and giving and giving and being leaders, that that’s an easy thing to say.
Well we shouldn’t, we should be able to go find the answer, well the person who’s asking us the question can also go and find the answer.
So, we can challenge. The norm isn’t always right.
Come back to that challenge piece and say ‘Well, they’re asking us because they thought we knew, so maybe we can ask a question to find out why they asked us in the first place.’ How could we help them, or what piece of information might we have that will actually help them in their specific situation.
Okay, that was Planning. That was Skill 1 of Bouncing Back.
Skill 2 of Bouncing Back is Patience.
We’ve got to know our limits. It was really interesting, I was trying to describe to a five year old what patience is. Because everything that goes on, you get badgered, you get badgered, you get questioned, you get questioned. You get repeated and interrupted, and that’s only a part of it, right? Then sometimes there is behaviors, and sometimes there’s actions, and sometimes there’s messes, and, it doesn’t matter what it is,
I mean, that’s life. Then all of a sudden, before I know it, I’m snappy! And, I have to take a step back. One day I said “Carter, I’m at the end of my rope!” And he said “What does that mean Momma? You have a rope? I want to see your rope.” (Jessica chuckles) And so I was like ‘Oh!’, because I didn’t want to be snappy.
I actually wanted to be present and be supportive and try to figure out why whatever was going on was going on. And could I influence it or not? So, I have been practicing a lot of patience, and that’s something that I will continue to do, probably for the rest of my life. But try to teach that to a five year old. The end of my rope. I can only handle so much, before I’m full. And so, describing, oh well, it’s not a real rope. So we went through these situations “You know how you’ve been, you know what this was, and all of this stuff has been happening over the last, however long it’s been”. And he was like “Oh yeah, ok.” I said “Well every time that that happens, I become a little more anxious. Every time I get interrupted, I lose my train of thought and I start to get frustrated. And after a while, that builds up, and that’s when I said I’m at the end of my rope. I don’t have any more to give right now”.
Understanding when we are at our limit, and we might just have to say ’I hear ya, but I need some space.
I hear ya, but I am at my limit.’ Because, being able to have good communication with somebody is really important. And being able to stop and say ‘Oops, I’m full. I can’t do this right now. Oh, I understand this is important to you, may I come back to you later when I have a little bit more bandwidth, when I have a little bit more space. When I can actually fully pay attention to you.’
That’s personal awareness.
And it also is tied to your values. You want to be heard, you want to hear other people. You want to be seen, you want to actually see other people. You want to be able to ask for help, you actually want to be able to hear somebodies request for help. So, the patience, in the sense of, if I take the right amount of time; Not too much, and not too little, but the right amount of time, I can figure out what I know or don’t know. I can figure out who I need to ask. And I can maybe talk it through with somebody, so I can figure out what I need to know, so that I can make the plan. And, there are days when it is non-stop. Non-stop bombardment, non-stop fires, it is like everywhere you go, all you are doing is reacting, reacting, reacting, reacting. It’s hard to keep our patience that way.
It’s also hard to keep our wits about us. And it’s hard to keep our thinking cap on, in terms of just being able to be, to actually be able to put effort in to anything that’s coming at us, when we’re just fending this stuff all the time and having it all come at us. So, when time isn’t always on our side, we might have to make rapid fire decisions.
We might have to do the best that we can do in that situation.
And you know, there’s always time to take one breath, maybe even 3 breaths, maybe even 9 breaths. Nice and deep and slow. (Jessica takes a deep breath) Because, that’s not a lot. It might be 2 minutes. Two minutes of breathing is worth being able to understand the reaction of your situation, or recognizing that we are being bombarded, so that we can understand the emotions around it. When we take action out of emotion, I don’t want to say it’s right or wrong, it’s what’s been done. But we can find out if our decisions and actions based on emotion only will require redoing later. It’s much better to take a breath, and realize that we are walking in to something new, or that we have something else coming at us when we just put out the last fire, that, we can rapid fire, but we can also take a breath, and in that breath, it doesn’t take a lot, and sometimes we’ll take the space that we can get. And 3 to 9 breaths is all we need to allow a little bit of settling there, and a little bit of space, for a different kind of clarity to come through. Patience.
The third skill, Practice.
I’m going to start with a quote. John Wooden is really on my radar and I like everything I am reading about him. I feel like I’m learning a lot from him and his story. I’ve stuck this with practice, because it really hit home for me when I was preparing for this radio show.
His quote; “Things turn out best for people who make the best of the way things turn out.”
It sounds circular. But you know, it goes back to, we accept that there’s change, we might not know what’s going on, so whatever situation is in front of us, whatever patience we may be practicing, however fast or slow it might be going, our outlook matters.
Our mindset matters. I find that really useful. Because when we’re tired, sure we can complain, but it doesn’t help us. It doesn’t help us get over being tired. In fact, it takes more energy to tell people how tired we are than it does to actually just go take a nap. Or to stop for 5 minutes and take a break. Or to get outside in nature. Or to stop and eat lunch, or have a snack, or close your eyes for a couple minutes.
And this all comes down to gratitude and appreciation. Are we appreciative to be able to use our brains to face the situation that we happen to be in right now? We’re in a bad situation, we’re feeling it, we’ve got those negative emotions going on. Yet, we’re still living, we’re living through it. We’re here.
There’s something to be learned.
There’s something to grasp on to. And if we can appreciate the place that we’re at, and if we can find one thing of beauty, even if it’s the color of a car that we don’t usually see. Because we’re walking down the street on our commute. We get off the bus, we’re walking down the street, we just see something out of the corner of our eye. Maybe it’s something in the window of a shop, maybe it’s making eye contact with a stranger.
There is beauty all around us, and it only takes an instant to recognize that no matter how hard things are, we can create the path out of that, and sometimes it’s just mindset. Our ability to appreciate, and look at a situation.
So, we’ve talked about planning, we’ve talked about patience, we’ve talked about practicing. Another thing I want to add to the skill of practicing are Stephen Coveys 7 habits for Highly Effective People. The link to that is in the show notes.
- Be Proactive
- Begin with the End in Mind
- Put First Things First
- Think Win Win
- Seek First to Understand, and Then to be Understood
- Sharpen Saw
And, we’re talking about practice, beginning with the end in mind, is an amazing practice. Where do you want to go? What is the intention? Why? What is that end game? What is the goal? And then, look at, what’s the first step to get there? What’s the path that makes sense? Again, the link to that is in the show notes. I’m a big fan of that. It’s going through the steps. And by the way, ‘Sharpening the Saw’ is practicing the skills and practicing the skills. So keeping “Bounce Back:, coming back from a place of fear, overcoming fear, things like that, it’s really important to take our past experiences and be able to use them, without being held back by them.
The fourth skill in Bounce Back, is Productivity.
Here’s another quote from John Wooden. I told you, he’s making a real big impact in my life right now.
“If you’re not making mistakes, then you’re not doing anything. I’m positive that a doer makes mistakes.”
I love that because a lot of us, we stay busy, and we’re taking action, and we’re actually full. If you look at us, our schedules are full, our actions are full, we’re always running from one thing to the other. But if there is no impact, if there is no learning, if there is no outcome from that, we’re really not doing anything. We’re a hamster on a wheel. And being a hamster on a wheel is… well, if that’s how you want to live, that’s fine.
It’s kind of like putting your head in the sand if you were an ostrich. Or pretending to be an ostrich and sticking your head in the sand. It’s avoidance of what could be done. It’s avoidance of stepping up and actually doing what you know you can do completely. So, this concept of failure comes in here, because the only way to know that we are making an impact and we’re productive is to know that we haven’t done it in the past, and have the experience of ‘Oh, I didn’t get any result from that’ or ‘Oh, no matter how much of that I did, I didn’t move anywhere. I didn’t glean anything. I didn’t learn anything.’
At the same point in time, recognizing our accomplishments is a pretty big deal. And I know, for some of us, that’s a very hard thing to do. But if we don’t recognize what we’ve done well. If we don’t recognize that we’ve achieved our own goals, and this could be monetarily, or it could be award-wise, or really it could also just be ‘I did the best that I could, and the outcome was positive. It might not have been stellar, but I did the best that I could. I used every skill that I had. I played all in. I showed up’. When I do that, it doesn’t matter, you know, coming back to Bouncing Back, if I’ve got those in my pocket, and I’ve referenced them, and I’ve used them, and I’m aware of them, then I can use that to help me bounce back.
Because I’m productive. I’m recognizing that I might fail. I’m also recognizing that I have won. And, part of being productive goes back to the influence. What can we actually influence?
And that goes back to something that was in the 8 pillars on the personalsafetynets.com website, is that, If I don’t have the skill to do it, who do I know that has the skill to do it? That they can either help me by doing it with me, or teaching me, so that I may do it myself.
Maybe it’s expertise that I can’t learn. Maybe I need a business lawyer. Maybe I need a dietician. Maybe I need a doctor. So, the thing is, I would go to somebody in my network that might know about those things, and ask questions. And if I’m not getting those questions answered the way that I want, or I’m getting nothing but opinions from that person, I might need to change my questions, so that I could show up to go ‘Ok, I need this.
And they know a little bit about this, and they know people who do this, so what questions do I ask, with intention, to get the information that I need.’ Because everybody wants to be able to help. And if we don’t know what we want, or why we are showing up to ask the question, it’s really hard for somebody else to give us answers that we’re not asking for. Even though those are the ones we need to be productive.
When I think of Bounce Back, and the way that it’s used, I’m going to just start wrapping up with that. People fall. Whether it’s from a scandal, whether it’s from a poor choice, whether it’s from personal this or personal that.
We have choices.
And when we fall, we might fall far and we might fall hard. And if we have these skills, if we can plan, so that we know we have people we can rely on. And if we have patience, so that we know that we can get through it, it might just take a little time, but we’re aware.
If we can practice things, like appreciation, and have habits that keep moving us forward, even if we fall backward, we still end up moving forward. We don’t have to fall backward and stay there. And in terms of productivity; understanding what it means to fail, understanding what it means to win, and using them both to create the energy to move forward again.
I think time is really important. Because Bounce Back, you know it’s like you bounce a ball. You throw it on the ground and it bounces up. And the harder that you bounce it down, the harder that it goes up. What we have to remember is, it’s one of the physics things, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. So the harder that you bounce that ball against the ground, the higher it’s going to go, which means, if we’re talking about bouncing, we might be bouncing really far. Farther than we need to be.
So, bouncing doesn’t have to be fast. And I wanted to come back to time for just a minute. We want to be able to take the time that we need, the time that is necessary, and maybe the time that we have, if we are limited on time, to be able to figure out how to bounce to the place that we need to come back to, getting on the path for the outcome that we want. It’s not easy, and it’s not fast, and there is no instant gratification.
Practicing, and doing things that help planning, that help with patience, that help with the practicing so the actual doing of the behaviors, and recognizing the productivity, or the lack thereof or the effort of even trying, gets us the skill sets, so that when we bounce, we can control how fast we’re falling, so that we can control how fast we’re bouncing up, and stopping where we want to, to stay on our path.
I’m glad you were here today, to talk about Bounce Back with me. And, that’s the next step… Talk about it with me.
So make sure and leave a comment. Share your story. As a leader, a person living in this world that has bounced back from something. Share your story.
Tell us what your experience is, and how planning, patience, practice, and productivity fit in to your process of bouncing back, so that we can learn from you, and learn together. This is Jessica Dewell, and you will find all the program notes at voiceofboldbusiness.com, Program 12 <<<link to program notes
Intentional action every day builds our skills. It’s when we choose to take the time to practice, and be productive, and have patience and plan that we embrace the secret to Bounce Back.
Announcer – Subscribe at voiceofboldbusiness.com and get more information, program notes, and past episodes. Bold leaders approach each situation and focus on action to achieve a higher level of leadership. Jessica Dewell, your business advocate is the host of The Voice of Bold Business Radio. Thank you for joining us.